Monday, 22 December 2008
Where to begin? There is so much to deal with today, I guess what I should do is begin at the beginning.
I feel confused, lost and mixed up.
Last night I cried, I felt so alone and confused in my self, so unsure about where I am going, what I am doing.
My life in London seems to consist of a constant fire fighting exercise, where I run as fast as I can on a treadmill in a desperate attempt not to fall off.
I really understand why they call living in this city the rat race, your in a stream and all the rats tightly packed are all running up stream, if you stop, you will be crushed. So the idea is to keep moving forward as quickly as you can, so as to avoid the crush!
I have been feeling this emptiness for such a long time, I have actually forgotten what its like to be really happy. But all is not lost. I have a new weapon in the battle with this emptiness.
Nam myoho renge kyo, is a Buddhist mantra that reveals your buddahood, which is an innate quality in all human beings. This quality allows us to manifest great courage, strength and resolve, for even the darkest of situations. There is a buddhist saying; "turn poison to medicine" and that is what I realise I must do to figure my self out.
Living in London for the last ten years has been quite an experience; I have worked in many different places and met so many wonderful and interesting people. I have grown as a person quite a bit, but I have also felt completely trapped and alone most of the time.
Yesterday I met someone that I have liked for such a long time, but when every I am around them I feel totally invisible, like they dont even see me. I since realised that this is due to the fact that this person is highly self absorbed and wouldnt notice a metorite landing in their back garden.
So Sunday was a day where all the feelings of hurt and lonliness popped out, I had had a Buddhist meeting in my area in the morning, which was followed by a fun few hours with my wonderful grandmother, who I have also been trying to get to chant.
I went and met up with my friend who I have feelings for, but after I left I told them I cant see them any more, due to my feelings. I dont think the comments acctually went in or were really registered.
You know when you are talking to someone and telling them something and they constantly change the subject to talk about stuff they want to talk about, that is what it was like the whole night and it became infuriating.
I since learnt that I am attracting men that are emotional voids, and that due to the fact that I feel so much, I am like a moth to the flame. I am drawn in by their lack of emotion.
Its quite good to have realised this I think, I just now have to take action and attempt to back out of this never ending pattern of hell state!
Thursday, 4 December 2008
Well I suppose you would like to know where I have been?
I would too!
I found something called Nichiren Buddhism, which really has given me so much and allowed me to really be my self.
In the last 3 months, I have met some of the most wonderful people and have never felt so good about my self.
You can read more about the man that brought this Buddhist practice to the west here, his name is Daisaku Ikeda, and he is truly a wonderful man.
His warmth and love for regular people still has me in awe, every time I see him.
You can read more about SGI, or the SOKKA Gakki here:
http://www.sgi-uk.org/ and if your in the USA
This truly is a gift that has been given to the world and I would love to share it with you if you're interested.
I started chanting Nam myoho renge kyo, three months ago and my life hasn't been the same since.
You can see some of my videos on you tube:
Give it a try or message me on youtube if you have any questions.
Many in body, one in mind!
Monday, 22 September 2008
The problem with daily life, and being a person as emotionally complex as my self, is that simple tasks, like washing up, putting clothes away, doing WORK, become difficult ot focus on, as while I work or wash or whatever, I am thinking about a million other things at once and I struggle to focus on anything.
Last week I discovered the potential for meditation to help me focus on a particular task. My Grandmother also suggested ZEN, which is the art of acting in the now, focusing your attention at the object or job you are doing, to the exclusion of all other. Obviously if your driving and your 100% focused on the road and nothing else, you could end up brown bread (dead).
So what do we have to focus our minds, ZEN, meditation, extreme sports and that sort of thing.
What do you think about this?
Friday, 29 August 2008
Two: I will approve of and rejoice in my accomplishments, and I will be as vigorous in listing these -- as rigorous in remembering them -- as I have ever been in remembering and enumerating my failures or lacks of accomplishment.
Three: I will remember the creative framework of existence, in which I have my being. Therefore the possibilities, potentials, seeming miracles, and joyful spontaneity of Framework 2 will be in my mind, so that the doors to creative living are open.
Four: I will realize that the future is probability. In terms of ordinary experience, nothing exists there yet. It is virgin territory, planted by my feelings and thoughts in the present. Therefore I will plant accomplishments and successes, and I will do this by remembering that nothing can exist in the future that I do not want to be there.
Saturday, 19 July 2008
Thursday, 3 July 2008
How am I going to do this? When I am not on it, I feel like I am missing out, and missing out the fun... :(
I dont know what to do?
I find it hard to meet people in London, and I guess I use it like that, and its nice to be connected to so many people if you ever need something you gotta just ask.
Anyone can help, I would appreciate it.
Sunday, 20 April 2008
The Lady of the Red Thread.
A twist, a rip, a twirl in the dark.
A dance a trick, a mix with the mark.
She sang, she fell, she wondered alone.
Little did she know, the feeling would grow.
And once she stood, in the red darkness once more.
She realized it was too late, for her heart to beat for.
He stood across the cassim, with her heart in his hands.
He stood there lonely with no place for his plans.
And once the moon, had set in the sky.
The red princess had vanished beyond the eye.
Alone is that place where he was to be.
Alone at the end, only for the love of the darkness, the stars and the sea.
Thursday, 10 April 2008
Wednesday, 26 March 2008
Every human in life has a need; a need to sleep, a need to eat, a need to be loved and a need to love.
As a child I was always very interested in how things worked, I pulled objects apart with a desire to figure out, dissect and understand the inner most workings of most devices. Much to my father’s dismay I would take apart devices such as radios, remote control cars and other bits and bobs around the house. All with the desire to understand how things worked.
As I grew up, I have had relationships, connections and situations, where I am starting to realise, where I transferred this desire, for understanding. I have a desire to understand how people work, what makes them tick. I often forget that people are not machines, and that taking them apart emotionally and mentally just doesn’t work for them and it isn’t a nice feeling.
The relevance of all this is connected to my previous post about procrastination, I am currently on a journey to try to understand why I seem to sit and stare and daydream, why I don’t seem to be able to connect and get things done.
In my previous post, I discovered that from research, chronic procrastination is often brought by some form of depression. I got to thinking, am I depressed? Can I put down all these feelings of lack, loss, confusion, down to depression?
My brother is bi-polar, so severe depression is very close in my family.
The more I think about it, I begin to realise that it could all be connected back to what I need most in my life, something that has been reflected deeply in all my relationships, an almost desperate need to be needed.
I have felt lost and pointless with my career for a very long time, and they only reason I have continued with it is because I am good at it, and it is all I know how to do.
But by its nature, it has no point. Sitting in front of a computer day in and day out, pushing pixels around a screen, is a total waste of a life. I am not changing lives, helping others, making the world a better place. All I am doing is putting money in my account and living, for the sake of living.
My career and job, lacks that VITAL ingredient that I have today realised would bring about my potential and my happiness, THE NEED TO FEEL NEEDED.
I know many of you out there are in this situation, and I realise that it all stems from childhood. We all served certain roles as children and we all learnt certain behaviour that we then project in to our adult lives.
My feelings of being emotionally paralysed are caused my potential depression, but my depression is cause by my lack of purpose. It is a vicious circle that I have been stuck in for years.
I have often said, "how good would it be, to go to work one day and do something totally different, something with real meaning and purpose"
Why I have never acted on this, I do not know.
I always have some excuse; I'm in debt, I can’t change my job, I don’t have time to take on a new career, I can’t do it, etc
This is where these addictions come in, Facebook, GDar, Chat, MSN, it’s a substitute for the human interaction that I AM DESPERATLY craving.
My life needs purpose; I believe I was made for big things.
I was just chatting with my mom (love you mom!!!!!) on the phone about me and why I feel so much for people and things, and it’s my hyper-sensitive being, I feel 100 times more than most people.
As a child I would cry a lot and get upset a lot, I was never very strong.
A penny dropped that maybe with all the people out there that DO NOT know HOW to FEEL, I could potentially help others.
When I have been talking with friends, through their problems, mostly emotional, every single one has always said that I have helped them achieve clarity and I have a gift.
I know that I could become a great healer, mind body and spirit, that is a goal I would like to establish.
Today a door has opened, in a dark recess of my mind a light has switched on, I have realised something about myself, something I have been ignoring for so long.
All I need now is the courage and the strength to stand up and get what I want.
May God and all the Angels, the Universe and everything in it, at this moment, grant me the courage and the strength to reach out and grab it.
Everything happens for reason, everything.
Connected, refresh, rewind, revive, re-establish.
Strife is a natural part of being alive and through my addictions; I could have potentially discovered my freedom and my happiness.
A very good day to you, may you know yourself better with every passing day.
Carl Jung – A life unexamined, is a life wasted.
Monday, 24 March 2008
I find the bit obsession very interesting, as for most of my life, I have found my self obsessing over one thing or another. Obsession is an interesting emotion, it can be likened to a feedback loop in a software program or the feedback you get when you put a speaker too near a microphone, there is that loud ear busting screech.
Obsession can fast become a debilitating condition that can alter the course of your life. I have found this emotion in many areas of my life, from my self confidence to my work, to my relationships.
I just had a conversation with my wonderful grandmother, she is so amazing, we speak on the phone for hours on end about all sorts of subject from art, philosophy, sexuality, love and more, she told me that with lack of self control, obsession and pathological behavior takes control, she also went on to say that low self esteem and low self image are part of this vicious cycle.
My central question at this very point is, Procrastination. Why do we do it? What does it serve us? Why do we sit and stare out the window, wash the dishes, vacuum the house, talk on the phone, go out with our friends, when we have so much work to do, projects to start, lists to write and opportunities to consider.
If your not sure what I mean, Enda Fleming is the classic procrastinator and is refenced repeatedly in Dante's The Divine Comedy as his refusal to make a decision between good and evil left him locked in purgatory neither ascending to heaven nor descending to hell.
It is about being locked in to a state of disconnect, and confusion, not acctually being able to break out of a situation.
I have often described my emotional state, as being trapped in side a glass box, I can see out, but noone can see in, to help me.
According to my research, procrastination and mental health are connected.
It has been found that procrastination can be a persistent and debilitating disorder in some people, causing significant psychological disability and dysfunction. These individuals may actually be suffering from an underlying mental health problem such as depression or ADHD.
While procrastination is a behavioral condition, these underlying mental health disorders can be treated with medication and/or therapy. Therapy can be a useful tool in helping an individual learn new behaviors, overcome fears and anxieties, and achieve an improved quality of life. Thus it is important for people who chronically struggle with debilitating procrastination to see a trained therapist or psychiatrist to see if an underlying mental health issue may be present.
Severe procrastination can cross over into internet addiction or computer addiction. In this instance the individual has a compulsion to avoid reality by surfing the web or playing video games (game addiction) or looking at online pornography (pornography addiction). Although these are relatively new phenomena, they are being considered as psychiatric diagnoses by mental health professionals.Makes you think, are you addicted more then you think you are?
I have been wrestling with this puzzle for some time now, my life in London is pretty quiet at the moment, I am single, my job is become a drag and I feel like im loosing touch with my goals. Opportunities pop up all the time for me, but instead of grabbing them, I let things like Facebook, GDAR, msn, going out, day dreaming, get in the way. Why?
On the subject of self esteem and self confidence, it is something I also can not fathom, I have worked hard in trying to accept my self on the outside, but I have not fully accepted my self on the inside, I am in the situation of fake it to win it... maybe I have convinced my self that I am a good looking lad, but I havent really convinced my self that I am good enough or worthy on the inside.
I have bought the Paul McKenna's book, Instant Confidence, it comes with a CD to listen to, as well as exercises to help you feel more confident. There are a lot of exercises and a lot of things to do, and it does all seem like to much hard work, BUT, as Paul says, when you first got on a bicycle, did you just hop on and start riding straight away? No.. you had to practice and practice and practice.
Putting my self down and being negative to my self, is something I have done most of my life, I have had a lot of practice telling my self, I am not good enough, and then when I fail, I beat my self up and put my self down more. It is a vicious cycle, that I have to learn to break. I consider this behavior probably the single most limiting thing in my life, if I could remove my procrastinating, then I could excel and achieve.
In fact I know I WILL SUCCEED and I WILL EXCEL, (thanks Paul hehe)
If you find it hard to get on with things, get things done, I would be interested to hear what you think, on the flip side, if your one of these people that just get the job done, then I would also love to hear from you...
A list of things to do;
1. Do your filing
2. Finish those quotes for your project
3. Bill your clients for various projects (£800 +-)
4. Read some more books
I see the list and know I have to do it, but I zone out, switch off and a screen saver turns on in my mind...
A bit like the test pattern at night when tele wasnt on all night.
This never ending circle of thought that does not go anywhere, but take you around and around and around.
It is an addiction, an addiction to nothingness, to mediocre thoughts and lackluster potentials.
An addiction that may not kill me, but it may keep me from becoming the person I have always wanted to be.
Happy Easter Monday.
Sunday, 23 March 2008
Leigh went on to write..
"I had heard this from someone only last week. Facebook suicide is apparently the new term for early adopters who have had enough with social networking and can't keep up with their latest 5000 friends and decide to get off the Facebook grid.
And now a new blog posting that guides us all through the process of how to quit facebook.
Is this the latest trend? The untrend? Disconnecting from the network? Well, i doubt things will go that far, but it does go to show that once something has crossed the chasm, the window of cool doesn't last all that long. Now the real question will become whether or not that impacts Facebook's business models and/or valuation"
I think its interesting that other people are talking about this too.
Time to disconnect from the system.
Get a real life, not a digital one.
Saturday, 22 March 2008
It is Saturday 22nd of March 2008. The day I died. Yes ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this is the day I committed Facebook Suicide.
It took all of 20 seconds, I hit the account button and then hit on de-activate account and then sent the email asking for all my content to be removed.
I lay on the floor gasping my last breath as the mini-feed gently drip, drip, drip, dripped in the background then it was gone, a distant echo and a defining silence, I began to wonder what I would do, my heart raced and my brow wrinkled.
Am I free, is it that easy? If only i could get rid of msn messenger, email, cell phones, computers, and run away to a distant land where I can be at one with nature, the earth and other human beings.
Change needs to happen, London life has trapped me, I feel I can not breath any more.
My job has become a waste and a disappointment, but I feel a fire inside me a designer, ready to become a graphic designer of extraordinary proportions, I know I have the power with in me, I just wish I could let it out.
If you have a cure for procrastination, please let me know, I think it would save my life.
Today things have been turned upside down, something has shifted and I found something else to think about... how it happened I do not know, all I know is that it shifted.
I stop, listen for the drip, drip, drip, it's gone, it is silent.
I am alone.
Thursday, 28 February 2008
A week has gone by and I have found my self back on Facebook . Things seem to have continued in the same vain as before, I have found my self compulsively checking it every so often, at work.
I have found if I have a reason I check it even more, a met someone at the movies the other night who I quite liked and I kept checking my Facebook , checking for a reply for their message, it wasnt good as I kept thinking about it.
The drip, drip, drip of the mini-feed kept calling me, the subtle call and lure of the digital slot machine.
I wonder if it was such a good idea to go back on to the system? Maybe I am just one of those people where my only healing from an addiction is to cut it out completely?
All or nothing?
What are your thoughts on this? Write to me and tell me about your experiences. How do you manage to limit your msn messenger time, Facebook and other dating and chat sites? Do you feel like these sites take over your free time?
I do think sometimes its nice to sit and chat to people, but wasting time is a different story, when you have a list a mile long of other important things to do, like drawing, washing, tidying up!
I do think I will continue to try wean my self off this, but during my week off from Facebook , I felt I was disconnected and isolated, there was definitely an overwhelming sense of being with-out something.
I do believe it is connected to my need to feel connected to other people, something I am planning on tackeling in the next few months, with maybe some kind of therapy or assistance from a skilled professional.
I want to be able to live my life and not rely on digital technology to feel close to people.
Monday, 25 February 2008
I logged in to find 15 messages, 2 wall posts and 15 pokes.
Nice to know people pay attention to me! ha ha.
So after some thought I realised that I wouldnt throw the baby out with the bath water, social networking sites when used correctly can be a useful tool for business and pleasure.
I just have to remember to keep my usage down, with no facebook at work, or on my phone.
Stay tuned as I will continue to write about trends in social networking and how people will remain connected in the next few years.
Internet technologies have always been a passion of mine, so it would make sense I should write about them.
Friday, 22 February 2008
Some strange nightmare, but I can't go back to sleep, oh well.
So its been 4 days and no Facebook, I've really wanted to go back, but I havent.
Only 3 days to go, can I do it?
How is your facebook addiction coming along?
Thursday, 21 February 2008
On the train home, I saw an article in one of free London papers, entitled Facebook BACKLASH - Online phenomenon falters as visitors drop by 5%. I found it quite odd that on the week I decide to flip out about Facebook, its being echoed around the country and world. I hear more and more people are, what is being dubbed, committing Facebook Suicide.
All sounds a bit harsh to me, but I am not far past the thought of committing something.
I was thinking today about SecondLife. It is a huge multi player gaming or world, where people move around in 3d and talk, interact and even have sex! (whoooozers!) yeah! It's true, look it up!
Honestly though, it should be called "Don't have a life? Connect here" I tried it for a few days once and found it dull, a lot of strange looking avatars floating around, pointing and dancing.
There are 5 zillion people connected to it at any one time, and its internal currency where players buy and sell things, makes more money then a small countries G.D.P. (thats the money a country makes in a year, in plain English)
You can read all about the madness of Second Life here.
If you didn't already know, Second life has been the cause of murder (see: http://tinyurl.com/2kk4ub), gambling, pedophilia and a whole host of other crimes, it has become a virtually real world in it's own right.
The worrying part of this system is that it has begun already to take over people's lives, young teenagers in China and in many areas of Asia, are spending up to 9 hours a day, sitting at a computer terminal, "connecting" with people around the world, via the Second Life, interface.
On the surface it may seem harmless, but from my own point of view and the view of many behavioral psychologists. when children "connect" with others on these systems day in and day out, they are missing out the vital experiences and skills to equip them later in life, but substituting real human interaction with this artificial human interaction, it is my belief they are stunting both their emotional growth and physical well being as young people.
Get a real life, not a second one.
Wednesday, 20 February 2008
Welcome. It is the end of day 2 and I have successfully stayed away from Facebook, msn.
I have however partaken in a bit of internet dating, but I think thats going to have to come under the same banner of banned sites. I wasted at least 2 hours tonight surfing, when I could have been drawing!
I have always been passionate about drawing, but never really given my self the time, primarily because ive been so busy distracting my self with crap.
Tomorrow is a new day, I hope to keep away and not faulter.
I did however today, feel the pull of the drip, drip, drip and the distant call of the mini-feed on facebook, as every one at work uses it.
Stay tuned in to see how I get on.
Tuesday, 19 February 2008
I realized that if I could keep this up for long enough I may actually get a lot of shit done.
Self control never came easily to me as a child, teenager or an adult, though how I managed to kick a 20 a day smoking habit, I don't know.
I realised today that I DONT NEED facebook, my life functioned just fine with out it before, infact I used to have loads more fun and get up to all sorts of stuff before.
As the years have gone on, I have relied more and more on msn messenger, myspace, gdar, and other internet chat sites ans services to feed my desire for human interaction.
It has to be said that nothing beats good old fashioned face to face connections.
I also got to think about the things I do'nt do any more; ask you self these simple questions;
1. When was the last time you just sat and read at home, and by read, I mean a real book and not a glossy mag, the news paper or some article on the internet, a real book with real pages, something to exercise that brain, get it to churn and listen and learn, I mean kicked back, turn the TV and computer off and sat back and relaxed and read..? maybe never?
2. When did you last sit back and just listen to music, just lie down and look at the cieling and think about your life, your hopes and dreams, make plans and sing.
3. When did you just pick up the phone and call you friends and arrange something over the phone, instead of sending a text message, an email, or a facebook meeting request.
4. When did you last just go for a walk, just to go for a walk and clear your mind.
All these things you may do or may not do, but I feel that because of my constant "ON STATE" my constant connection to this here system that I am connecting to, you through, I have become a drone.
I sat at my computer the other night, trying to work, trying to get on with some personal project and I just couldn't, it was like there was some kind of dull fuzz, an interference, if you will, that was blocking me. I think I understand what it is now.
It is the constant drip drip drip, of the facebook mini-feed, of the new emails, the new posts on myspace, the drip drip of messages from the meaningless "friends" on msn messenger, that pose as a constant and continuous distraction from every day life, and its array of necessary tasks.
This interference pattern may not occur in all of us, but I do believe that a vast majority of us are very prone to these addictive patterns. It is definitely why gambling, drug addiction, debt and all the other social diseases, we have today have become so rampant in our society.
People are over whelmed with stimuli that it creates this interference pattern in the brain.
I don't know if I will go back to facebook , how I feel after today, I am not sure I will ever use it again, I feel like someone told me a terrible secret and it struck fear in me so deep that I woke up as if from a terrible nightmare, with a huge intake of breath and a cold sweat on my brow.
Only time will tell, but for the moment, it is only day 1 and I do not want to get ahead of my self.
Drip, Drip, Drip I can hear the call of a distant RSS feed, and mini-feed, a message board, the drip, drip, drip of information, slowing calling, longing for my minds connection.
Connect with the drip, drip, drip and soon you will see how the hands on your watch begin to speed up, and faster and faster before the night is gone.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, as each week flies by, day after day rolling over and over, as the sands of your own personal sand timer begin to speed up, ask your self? Does this connection serve me? Does it add to my life? Or is it sapping my life?
Think, read, write and create, the only forces against the interference, the only way to block it out and stop the consumption and dull muffled overwhelming battle from with-in.
My younger brother, who is currently living in South Africa, sent me a link.
It is a new animated series about a future earth,
Set in the not-too-distant future, planet Earth is being ravaged by rampant environmental change and collapsing economies, as widespread social movements triggered by online interaction are reshaping the face of world politics. Saturated by media, people have lost their ability to dream and plug into a sophisticated communication system each night called the DreamField (similar to the sea shells, from Fahrenheit 451), which gives them access to a virtual dream-state, networked with the rest of the world. Online, dreams have become just another kind of media, and a group of dreamstars have emerged as the culture's new celebrities. Coming from an established political family, Aya is one of the most popular dreamstars, and millions plug into her dreams every night to experience her adventures through a hyper-dimensional vide-game reality, live as they sleep.
The series charts Aya's coming of age as she travels with her guru, Shen, on a transformational journey to visit the most spiritually charged places on Earth - re-connecting with the wisdom-keepers of the planet and re-learning the ancient spiritual traditions to evolve her consciousness and fight to restore humanity's ability to dream and be one with them selves and others again.
In this book I am reading, Fahrenheit 451 people stop reading books and the world turns in on its self, because they are PLUGGED IN to this information system.
War rages around them, people die and suffer, but they are numb, numb from the constant, drip drip drip drip.
They have little white seashells (earphones) plugged in to their ears, day and night, listening to the drip drip drip of information.
Their lives consist of sitting, listening, watching, listening and watching, and its freaked me out, because that is where my spare time goes.
Sitting, interacting with these digital ghosts... the Pa lour Family (see the book)
I cant tell you how its freaked me.
To the point I feel quite sick, like I've fallen for some kind of dark trap.
Like I could have woken up from some drug induced sleep.
I know your probably amused by this, but that book was written in 1950s when there were no such things as ear phones and walls of huge TVs.
I cant tell you how this could change my life.
Or maybe it won't, but I feel like something has changed.
A bit more about this book:
Fahrenheit 451 tells the story of Guy Montag; a fireman whose job is not to put out fires – all homes of Bradbury’s future having been fireproofed – but to start them. The firemen’s prime targets are books.
What follows is a poetic and mesmerizing look at a future of censorship that has far too many parallels to modern day consumerist societies. This edition contains an introduction and afterword that is just as interesting as the novel itself. Here Bradbury cites the arrival of MTV and other commercial entertainment as factors that are distracting us, as a society, from the essential knowledge found in libraries.
(Robbie says: What freakes me most, about this is how many of my friends never read, who dont read books, there is perhaps a whole generation growing up, who dont read, could this book be more of a truth then I thought)
He notes that such firemen are not needed anymore because we are doing the job for them.
Also explained is the genesis of the book itself. The author describes how F451 has its origins in 5 short stories including a surreal-sounding one based on an experience of his being stopped by a police patrol car just for walking down the street.
A superbly written book that has eerie similarities with the world today.
Written over 50 years ago.
Monday, 18 February 2008
Tonight is the first night, I sat down and realized that I have a problem.
Since I began using the internet way back in 1997 I have chatted on line, it all began with IRC, for all your young folk, IRC is a short name for Internet relay chat, its what people used to use to chat with, thousands of chat rooms, about every type of thing. Think of a person, a fetish, an idea and you will find a chat room on IRC on some IRC server somewhere.
I have wasted countless hours chatting to random people about meaningless crap, and today i realized that it has to stop.
I want to have a happy, fruitful and full life, but I spend way too much time chatting and trying to connect with people, that don't honestly give a damn. It is an addiction and I think I can finally say that I am hooked and I have been hooked for a long time.
You ask, whats so bad about it, if its not actually hurting me? Well I will tell you whats wrong with it... it is like a silent thief, whats it stealing? I hear you say; well i would say one of the most important things and most priceless things we could ever own in our lives...
Hours and hours and hours of my life have been lost, doing piss all sitting chatting, and connecting with people, and things that do not count.
Us watching them, watching them watching us? Why what for?
It all feeds some deep and hidden human desire, the fear of being alone..
But tonight I realized that it has to stop, its holding me back.
With the recent onset of Facebook in to my life, it has taken an even bigger chunk of my personal and free time, I check it on my phone, I check it at work, I check it at home, I check it when I get up in the morning and before I go to sleep at night...
Checking, looking, watching, hopeing waiting, wondering, checking, updating, updating, adding, watching, looking... and what for? Why?
So I can feel connected to my friends and family? Its all a lie, you want to know how I really feel? I couldn't feel more disconnected from people.
It is so impersonal, all people do, is just message you, and arrange things over Facebook, noone can be bothered to pick up the phone.
MSN messenger is the same, I have countless "friends" on msn messenger that are always online, we chat, and talk about meaningless bollox for hours and hours, when I should be working studying, learning, talking to friends, drawing, running, and all the other stuff I should be doing in my life.
These technologies only create an excuse for people not to interact in real life, they take the human out of human contact, and Ive had enough.
So today is Monday 18th of February 2008 and I am going to cut it all out, first for a week and then see how I feel, see what happens if I can survive with out it.
Its become so in-grained in my life, its going to be worse then when I managed to give up smoking, which I did COLD TURKEY after a 20 a day habit.
So if your interested and you have got this far, come with me on this little journey I am going to take you on.
The thing is, my job is Internet based, I work on the web, I work as a digital designer for a London media agency, so it will be hard, but I am going to do it, I think my life will be a lot better off. Actually writing about it here, is a very cathartic experience, I hope that I can offer some advice and solace for any other poor soul that feels like I do, about this disease.
A very digital addiction.