Every human in life has a need; a need to sleep, a need to eat, a need to be loved and a need to love.
As a child I was always very interested in how things worked, I pulled objects apart with a desire to figure out, dissect and understand the inner most workings of most devices. Much to my father’s dismay I would take apart devices such as radios, remote control cars and other bits and bobs around the house. All with the desire to understand how things worked.
As I grew up, I have had relationships, connections and situations, where I am starting to realise, where I transferred this desire, for understanding. I have a desire to understand how people work, what makes them tick. I often forget that people are not machines, and that taking them apart emotionally and mentally just doesn’t work for them and it isn’t a nice feeling.
The relevance of all this is connected to my previous post about procrastination, I am currently on a journey to try to understand why I seem to sit and stare and daydream, why I don’t seem to be able to connect and get things done.
In my previous post, I discovered that from research, chronic procrastination is often brought by some form of depression. I got to thinking, am I depressed? Can I put down all these feelings of lack, loss, confusion, down to depression?
My brother is bi-polar, so severe depression is very close in my family.
The more I think about it, I begin to realise that it could all be connected back to what I need most in my life, something that has been reflected deeply in all my relationships, an almost desperate need to be needed.
I have felt lost and pointless with my career for a very long time, and they only reason I have continued with it is because I am good at it, and it is all I know how to do.
But by its nature, it has no point. Sitting in front of a computer day in and day out, pushing pixels around a screen, is a total waste of a life. I am not changing lives, helping others, making the world a better place. All I am doing is putting money in my account and living, for the sake of living.
My career and job, lacks that VITAL ingredient that I have today realised would bring about my potential and my happiness, THE NEED TO FEEL NEEDED.
I know many of you out there are in this situation, and I realise that it all stems from childhood. We all served certain roles as children and we all learnt certain behaviour that we then project in to our adult lives.
My feelings of being emotionally paralysed are caused my potential depression, but my depression is cause by my lack of purpose. It is a vicious circle that I have been stuck in for years.
I have often said, "how good would it be, to go to work one day and do something totally different, something with real meaning and purpose"
Why I have never acted on this, I do not know.
I always have some excuse; I'm in debt, I can’t change my job, I don’t have time to take on a new career, I can’t do it, etc
This is where these addictions come in, Facebook, GDar, Chat, MSN, it’s a substitute for the human interaction that I AM DESPERATLY craving.
My life needs purpose; I believe I was made for big things.
I was just chatting with my mom (love you mom!!!!!) on the phone about me and why I feel so much for people and things, and it’s my hyper-sensitive being, I feel 100 times more than most people.
As a child I would cry a lot and get upset a lot, I was never very strong.
A penny dropped that maybe with all the people out there that DO NOT know HOW to FEEL, I could potentially help others.
When I have been talking with friends, through their problems, mostly emotional, every single one has always said that I have helped them achieve clarity and I have a gift.
I know that I could become a great healer, mind body and spirit, that is a goal I would like to establish.
Today a door has opened, in a dark recess of my mind a light has switched on, I have realised something about myself, something I have been ignoring for so long.
All I need now is the courage and the strength to stand up and get what I want.
May God and all the Angels, the Universe and everything in it, at this moment, grant me the courage and the strength to reach out and grab it.
Everything happens for reason, everything.
Connected, refresh, rewind, revive, re-establish.
Strife is a natural part of being alive and through my addictions; I could have potentially discovered my freedom and my happiness.
A very good day to you, may you know yourself better with every passing day.
Carl Jung – A life unexamined, is a life wasted.