Wednesday, 26 March 2008

A need to feel needed...

Every human in life has a need; a need to sleep, a need to eat, a need to be loved and a need to love.

As a child I was always very interested in how things worked, I pulled objects apart with a desire to figure out, dissect and understand the inner most workings of most devices. Much to my father’s dismay I would take apart devices such as radios, remote control cars and other bits and bobs around the house. All with the desire to understand how things worked.

As I grew up, I have had relationships, connections and situations, where I am starting to realise, where I transferred this desire, for understanding. I have a desire to understand how people work, what makes them tick. I often forget that people are not machines, and that taking them apart emotionally and mentally just doesn’t work for them and it isn’t a nice feeling.

The relevance of all this is connected to my previous post about procrastination, I am currently on a journey to try to understand why I seem to sit and stare and daydream, why I don’t seem to be able to connect and get things done.

In my previous post, I discovered that from research, chronic procrastination is often brought by some form of depression. I got to thinking, am I depressed? Can I put down all these feelings of lack, loss, confusion, down to depression?

My brother is bi-polar, so severe depression is very close in my family.

The more I think about it, I begin to realise that it could all be connected back to what I need most in my life, something that has been reflected deeply in all my relationships, an almost desperate need to be needed.

I have felt lost and pointless with my career for a very long time, and they only reason I have continued with it is because I am good at it, and it is all I know how to do.

But by its nature, it has no point. Sitting in front of a computer day in and day out, pushing pixels around a screen, is a total waste of a life. I am not changing lives, helping others, making the world a better place. All I am doing is putting money in my account and living, for the sake of living.

My career and job, lacks that VITAL ingredient that I have today realised would bring about my potential and my happiness, THE NEED TO FEEL NEEDED.

I know many of you out there are in this situation, and I realise that it all stems from childhood. We all served certain roles as children and we all learnt certain behaviour that we then project in to our adult lives.

My feelings of being emotionally paralysed are caused my potential depression, but my depression is cause by my lack of purpose. It is a vicious circle that I have been stuck in for years.

I have often said, "how good would it be, to go to work one day and do something totally different, something with real meaning and purpose"

Why I have never acted on this, I do not know.

I always have some excuse; I'm in debt, I can’t change my job, I don’t have time to take on a new career, I can’t do it, etc

This is where these addictions come in, Facebook, GDar, Chat, MSN, it’s a substitute for the human interaction that I AM DESPERATLY craving.

My life needs purpose; I believe I was made for big things.

I was just chatting with my mom (love you mom!!!!!) on the phone about me and why I feel so much for people and things, and it’s my hyper-sensitive being, I feel 100 times more than most people.

As a child I would cry a lot and get upset a lot, I was never very strong.

A penny dropped that maybe with all the people out there that DO NOT know HOW to FEEL, I could potentially help others.

When I have been talking with friends, through their problems, mostly emotional, every single one has always said that I have helped them achieve clarity and I have a gift.

I know that I could become a great healer, mind body and spirit, that is a goal I would like to establish.

Today a door has opened, in a dark recess of my mind a light has switched on, I have realised something about myself, something I have been ignoring for so long.

All I need now is the courage and the strength to stand up and get what I want.

May God and all the Angels, the Universe and everything in it, at this moment, grant me the courage and the strength to reach out and grab it.

Everything happens for reason, everything.

Connected, refresh, rewind, revive, re-establish.

Strife is a natural part of being alive and through my addictions; I could have potentially discovered my freedom and my happiness.

A very good day to you, may you know yourself better with every passing day.

Carl Jung – A life unexamined, is a life wasted.

Monday, 24 March 2008

Addicted to doing nothing...Procrastination

The dictionary describes addiction as "A physiological and psychological compulsion for a habit-forming substance. In extreme cases, an addiction may become an overwhelming obsession."

I find the bit obsession very interesting, as for most of my life, I have found my self obsessing over one thing or another. Obsession is an interesting emotion, it can be likened to a feedback loop in a software program or the feedback you get when you put a speaker too near a microphone, there is that loud ear busting screech.

Obsession can fast become a debilitating condition that can alter the course of your life. I have found this emotion in many areas of my life, from my self confidence to my work, to my relationships.

I just had a conversation with my wonderful grandmother, she is so amazing, we speak on the phone for hours on end about all sorts of subject from art, philosophy, sexuality, love and more, she told me that with lack of self control, obsession and pathological behavior takes control, she also went on to say that low self esteem and low self image are part of this vicious cycle.

My central question at this very point is, Procrastination. Why do we do it? What does it serve us? Why do we sit and stare out the window, wash the dishes, vacuum the house, talk on the phone, go out with our friends, when we have so much work to do, projects to start, lists to write and opportunities to consider.

If your not sure what I mean, Enda Fleming is the classic procrastinator and is refenced repeatedly in Dante's The Divine Comedy as his refusal to make a decision between good and evil left him locked in purgatory neither ascending to heaven nor descending to hell.

It is about being locked in to a state of disconnect, and confusion, not acctually being able to break out of a situation.

I have often described my emotional state, as being trapped in side a glass box, I can see out, but noone can see in, to help me.

According to my research, procrastination and mental health are connected.

It has been found that procrastination can be a persistent and debilitating disorder in some people, causing significant psychological disability and dysfunction. These individuals may actually be suffering from an underlying mental health problem such as depression or ADHD.

While procrastination is a behavioral condition, these underlying mental health disorders can be treated with medication and/or therapy. Therapy can be a useful tool in helping an individual learn new behaviors, overcome fears and anxieties, and achieve an improved quality of life. Thus it is important for people who chronically struggle with debilitating procrastination to see a trained therapist or psychiatrist to see if an underlying mental health issue may be present.

Severe procrastination can cross over into internet addiction or computer addiction. In this instance the individual has a compulsion to avoid reality by surfing the web or playing video games (game addiction) or looking at online pornography (pornography addiction). Although these are relatively new phenomena, they are being considered as psychiatric diagnoses by mental health professionals.

Makes you think, are you addicted more then you think you are?

I have been wrestling with this puzzle for some time now, my life in London is pretty quiet at the moment, I am single, my job is become a drag and I feel like im loosing touch with my goals. Opportunities pop up all the time for me, but instead of grabbing them, I let things like Facebook, GDAR, msn, going out, day dreaming, get in the way. Why?

On the subject of self esteem and self confidence, it is something I also can not fathom, I have worked hard in trying to accept my self on the outside, but I have not fully accepted my self on the inside, I am in the situation of fake it to win it... maybe I have convinced my self that I am a good looking lad, but I havent really convinced my self that I am good enough or worthy on the inside.

I have bought the Paul McKenna's book, Instant Confidence, it comes with a CD to listen to, as well as exercises to help you feel more confident. There are a lot of exercises and a lot of things to do, and it does all seem like to much hard work, BUT, as Paul says, when you first got on a bicycle, did you just hop on and start riding straight away? No.. you had to practice and practice and practice.

Putting my self down and being negative to my self, is something I have done most of my life, I have had a lot of practice telling my self, I am not good enough, and then when I fail, I beat my self up and put my self down more. It is a vicious cycle, that I have to learn to break. I consider this behavior probably the single most limiting thing in my life, if I could remove my procrastinating, then I could excel and achieve.

In fact I know I WILL SUCCEED and I WILL EXCEL, (thanks Paul hehe)

If you find it hard to get on with things, get things done, I would be interested to hear what you think, on the flip side, if your one of these people that just get the job done, then I would also love to hear from you...

A list of things to do;

1. Do your filing
2. Finish those quotes for your project
3. Bill your clients for various projects (£800 +-)
4. Read some more books

I see the list and know I have to do it, but I zone out, switch off and a screen saver turns on in my mind...


A bit like the test pattern at night when tele wasnt on all night.

This never ending circle of thought that does not go anywhere, but take you around and around and around.

It is an addiction, an addiction to nothingness, to mediocre thoughts and lackluster potentials.

An addiction that may not kill me, but it may keep me from becoming the person I have always wanted to be.

Happy Easter Monday.

Sunday, 23 March 2008

The New Trend Is The Untrend: Facebook Suicide

A found this except from Leigh's Blog.

Leigh went on to write..

"I had heard this from someone only last week. Facebook suicide is apparently the new term for early adopters who have had enough with social networking and can't keep up with their latest 5000 friends and decide to get off the Facebook grid.

And now a new blog posting that guides us all through the process of how to quit facebook.

Is this the latest trend? The untrend? Disconnecting from the network? Well, i doubt things will go that far, but it does go to show that once something has crossed the chasm, the window of cool doesn't last all that long. Now the real question will become whether or not that impacts Facebook's business models and/or valuation"

I think its interesting that other people are talking about this too.

Time to disconnect from the system.

Get a real life, not a digital one.

Saturday, 22 March 2008

The day I commited suicide

It is Saturday 22nd of March 2008. The day I died. Yes ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this is the day I committed Facebook Suicide.

It took all of 20 seconds, I hit the account button and then hit on de-activate account and then sent the email asking for all my content to be removed.

I lay on the floor gasping my last breath as the mini-feed gently drip, drip, drip, dripped in the background then it was gone, a distant echo and a defining silence, I began to wonder what I would do, my heart raced and my brow wrinkled.

Am I free, is it that easy? If only i could get rid of msn messenger, email, cell phones, computers, and run away to a distant land where I can be at one with nature, the earth and other human beings.

Change needs to happen, London life has trapped me, I feel I can not breath any more.

My job has become a waste and a disappointment, but I feel a fire inside me a designer, ready to become a graphic designer of extraordinary proportions, I know I have the power with in me, I just wish I could let it out.

If you have a cure for procrastination, please let me know, I think it would save my life.

Today things have been turned upside down, something has shifted and I found something else to think about... how it happened I do not know, all I know is that it shifted.

I stop, listen for the drip, drip, drip, it's gone, it is silent.

I am alone.