Where to begin? There is so much to deal with today, I guess what I should do is begin at the beginning.
I feel confused, lost and mixed up.
Last night I cried, I felt so alone and confused in my self, so unsure about where I am going, what I am doing.
My life in London seems to consist of a constant fire fighting exercise, where I run as fast as I can on a treadmill in a desperate attempt not to fall off.
I really understand why they call living in this city the rat race, your in a stream and all the rats tightly packed are all running up stream, if you stop, you will be crushed. So the idea is to keep moving forward as quickly as you can, so as to avoid the crush!
I have been feeling this emptiness for such a long time, I have actually forgotten what its like to be really happy. But all is not lost. I have a new weapon in the battle with this emptiness.
Nam myoho renge kyo, is a Buddhist mantra that reveals your buddahood, which is an innate quality in all human beings. This quality allows us to manifest great courage, strength and resolve, for even the darkest of situations. There is a buddhist saying; "turn poison to medicine" and that is what I realise I must do to figure my self out.
Living in London for the last ten years has been quite an experience; I have worked in many different places and met so many wonderful and interesting people. I have grown as a person quite a bit, but I have also felt completely trapped and alone most of the time.
Yesterday I met someone that I have liked for such a long time, but when every I am around them I feel totally invisible, like they dont even see me. I since realised that this is due to the fact that this person is highly self absorbed and wouldnt notice a metorite landing in their back garden.
So Sunday was a day where all the feelings of hurt and lonliness popped out, I had had a Buddhist meeting in my area in the morning, which was followed by a fun few hours with my wonderful grandmother, who I have also been trying to get to chant.
I went and met up with my friend who I have feelings for, but after I left I told them I cant see them any more, due to my feelings. I dont think the comments acctually went in or were really registered.
You know when you are talking to someone and telling them something and they constantly change the subject to talk about stuff they want to talk about, that is what it was like the whole night and it became infuriating.
I since learnt that I am attracting men that are emotional voids, and that due to the fact that I feel so much, I am like a moth to the flame. I am drawn in by their lack of emotion.
Its quite good to have realised this I think, I just now have to take action and attempt to back out of this never ending pattern of hell state!