I will remember

One: I will approve of myself, my characteristics, my abilities, my likes and dislikes, my inclinations and disinclinations, realizing that these form my unique individuality. They are given me for a reason.

Two: I will approve of and rejoice in my accomplishments, and I will be as vigorous in listing these -- as rigorous in remembering them -- as I have ever been in remembering and enumerating my failures or lacks of accomplishment.

Three: I will remember the creative framework of existence, in which I have my being. Therefore the possibilities, potentials, seeming miracles, and joyful spontaneity of Framework 2 will be in my mind, so that the doors to creative living are open.

Four: I will realize that the future is probability. In terms of ordinary experience, nothing exists there yet. It is virgin territory, planted by my feelings and thoughts in the present. Therefore I will plant accomplishments and successes, and I will do this by remembering that nothing can exist in the future that I do not want to be there.

The Angel, I saw

One dark and cold night, I drove alone and silent. The winding road took me up and down and over and under, passing the cold and wet grassy fields, the smell of moss in my nostrils, the feeling of loneliness in my heart.

I could see the mountains in the distance, dark and mysterious, standing tall like giants, the wind was blowing and twisting around my face as I flew along the dark road, alone and cold.

As I moved up the road and over the dale, the air began to crackle with electricity, the smell of burnt amber lay thick in the air, just above the mountain I could see a warm glow and dark red and amber glow. I thought it was a fire, I thought that maybe the farm on the other side of the mountain was on fire, that the land was burning.

I pulled the car over, and stopped on the side of the road and got out. I sat on the bonnet of my car, and pulled out cigarettes, unwrapped them I had got from the glove box and opened it, smelling the tobacco, breathing in the fresh and warms scent, that I had grown used to.

A loud rumble came from behind the mountain, I looked up, and with out warning, a being of pure light, rose up, as big as the mountain its self, up and up higher and higher, its arms and wings spread, like a giant eagle. It hung in the air, with its chin up, looking to the heavens.

Giant wings beating, and twisting in the air, the clouds swirled and mixed around it. Suddenly it became a pillar of brilliant bright light, the pillar hit the ground and hit the sky, and with out warning, it was gone, deep in to space.

A recap on the disconnection of facebook.

Months later and I am still connected to the system. After several attempts to de-activate my facebook account, days later I find my self longing to see what "my friends" are up to?

How am I going to do this? When I am not on it, I feel like I am missing out, and missing out the fun... :(

I dont know what to do?

I find it hard to meet people in London, and I guess I use it like that, and its nice to be connected to so many people if you ever need something you gotta just ask.

Anyone can help, I would appreciate it.

A Red Twist in the Dark

A Red Twist in the Dark - By me April 2008 (Inspired by the feeling of love, life and beyond)

The Lady of the Red Thread.

A twist, a rip, a twirl in the dark.
A dance a trick, a mix with the mark.
She sang, she fell, she wondered alone.
Little did she know, the feeling would grow.

And once she stood, in the red darkness once more.
She realized it was too late, for her heart to beat for.

He stood across the cassim, with her heart in his hands.
He stood there lonely with no place for his plans.

And once the moon, had set in the sky.
The red princess had vanished beyond the eye.

Alone is that place where he was to be.
Alone at the end, only for the love of the darkness, the stars and the sea.

Meditation the answer to all my problems?

Today I began to meditate.

Could it be the answer I have been looking for?

The search for inner-peace begins.

More to come soon.

A need to feel needed...

Every human in life has a need; a need to sleep, a need to eat, a need to be loved and a need to love.

As a child I was always very interested in how things worked, I pulled objects apart with a desire to figure out, dissect and understand the inner most workings of most devices. Much to my father’s dismay I would take apart devices such as radios, remote control cars and other bits and bobs around the house. All with the desire to understand how things worked.

As I grew up, I have had relationships, connections and situations, where I am starting to realise, where I transferred this desire, for understanding. I have a desire to understand how people work, what makes them tick. I often forget that people are not machines, and that taking them apart emotionally and mentally just doesn’t work for them and it isn’t a nice feeling.

The relevance of all this is connected to my previous post about procrastination, I am currently on a journey to try to understand why I seem to sit and stare and daydream, why I don’t seem to be able to connect and get things done.

In my previous post, I discovered that from research, chronic procrastination is often brought by some form of depression. I got to thinking, am I depressed? Can I put down all these feelings of lack, loss, confusion, down to depression?

My brother is bi-polar, so severe depression is very close in my family.

The more I think about it, I begin to realise that it could all be connected back to what I need most in my life, something that has been reflected deeply in all my relationships, an almost desperate need to be needed.

I have felt lost and pointless with my career for a very long time, and they only reason I have continued with it is because I am good at it, and it is all I know how to do.

But by its nature, it has no point. Sitting in front of a computer day in and day out, pushing pixels around a screen, is a total waste of a life. I am not changing lives, helping others, making the world a better place. All I am doing is putting money in my account and living, for the sake of living.

My career and job, lacks that VITAL ingredient that I have today realised would bring about my potential and my happiness, THE NEED TO FEEL NEEDED.

I know many of you out there are in this situation, and I realise that it all stems from childhood. We all served certain roles as children and we all learnt certain behaviour that we then project in to our adult lives.

My feelings of being emotionally paralysed are caused my potential depression, but my depression is cause by my lack of purpose. It is a vicious circle that I have been stuck in for years.

I have often said, "how good would it be, to go to work one day and do something totally different, something with real meaning and purpose"

Why I have never acted on this, I do not know.

I always have some excuse; I'm in debt, I can’t change my job, I don’t have time to take on a new career, I can’t do it, etc

This is where these addictions come in, Facebook, GDar, Chat, MSN, it’s a substitute for the human interaction that I AM DESPERATLY craving.

My life needs purpose; I believe I was made for big things.

I was just chatting with my mom (love you mom!!!!!) on the phone about me and why I feel so much for people and things, and it’s my hyper-sensitive being, I feel 100 times more than most people.

As a child I would cry a lot and get upset a lot, I was never very strong.

A penny dropped that maybe with all the people out there that DO NOT know HOW to FEEL, I could potentially help others.

When I have been talking with friends, through their problems, mostly emotional, every single one has always said that I have helped them achieve clarity and I have a gift.

I know that I could become a great healer, mind body and spirit, that is a goal I would like to establish.

Today a door has opened, in a dark recess of my mind a light has switched on, I have realised something about myself, something I have been ignoring for so long.

All I need now is the courage and the strength to stand up and get what I want.

May God and all the Angels, the Universe and everything in it, at this moment, grant me the courage and the strength to reach out and grab it.

Everything happens for reason, everything.

Connected, refresh, rewind, revive, re-establish.

Strife is a natural part of being alive and through my addictions; I could have potentially discovered my freedom and my happiness.

A very good day to you, may you know yourself better with every passing day.

Carl Jung – A life unexamined, is a life wasted.

Addicted to doing nothing...Procrastination

The dictionary describes addiction as "A physiological and psychological compulsion for a habit-forming substance. In extreme cases, an addiction may become an overwhelming obsession."

I find the bit obsession very interesting, as for most of my life, I have found my self obsessing over one thing or another. Obsession is an interesting emotion, it can be likened to a feedback loop in a software program or the feedback you get when you put a speaker too near a microphone, there is that loud ear busting screech.

Obsession can fast become a debilitating condition that can alter the course of your life. I have found this emotion in many areas of my life, from my self confidence to my work, to my relationships.

I just had a conversation with my wonderful grandmother, she is so amazing, we speak on the phone for hours on end about all sorts of subject from art, philosophy, sexuality, love and more, she told me that with lack of self control, obsession and pathological behavior takes control, she also went on to say that low self esteem and low self image are part of this vicious cycle.

My central question at this very point is, Procrastination. Why do we do it? What does it serve us? Why do we sit and stare out the window, wash the dishes, vacuum the house, talk on the phone, go out with our friends, when we have so much work to do, projects to start, lists to write and opportunities to consider.

If your not sure what I mean, Enda Fleming is the classic procrastinator and is refenced repeatedly in Dante's The Divine Comedy as his refusal to make a decision between good and evil left him locked in purgatory neither ascending to heaven nor descending to hell.

It is about being locked in to a state of disconnect, and confusion, not acctually being able to break out of a situation.

I have often described my emotional state, as being trapped in side a glass box, I can see out, but noone can see in, to help me.

According to my research, procrastination and mental health are connected.

It has been found that procrastination can be a persistent and debilitating disorder in some people, causing significant psychological disability and dysfunction. These individuals may actually be suffering from an underlying mental health problem such as depression or ADHD.

While procrastination is a behavioral condition, these underlying mental health disorders can be treated with medication and/or therapy. Therapy can be a useful tool in helping an individual learn new behaviors, overcome fears and anxieties, and achieve an improved quality of life. Thus it is important for people who chronically struggle with debilitating procrastination to see a trained therapist or psychiatrist to see if an underlying mental health issue may be present.

Severe procrastination can cross over into internet addiction or computer addiction. In this instance the individual has a compulsion to avoid reality by surfing the web or playing video games (game addiction) or looking at online pornography (pornography addiction). Although these are relatively new phenomena, they are being considered as psychiatric diagnoses by mental health professionals.

Makes you think, are you addicted more then you think you are?

I have been wrestling with this puzzle for some time now, my life in London is pretty quiet at the moment, I am single, my job is become a drag and I feel like im loosing touch with my goals. Opportunities pop up all the time for me, but instead of grabbing them, I let things like Facebook, GDAR, msn, going out, day dreaming, get in the way. Why?

On the subject of self esteem and self confidence, it is something I also can not fathom, I have worked hard in trying to accept my self on the outside, but I have not fully accepted my self on the inside, I am in the situation of fake it to win it... maybe I have convinced my self that I am a good looking lad, but I havent really convinced my self that I am good enough or worthy on the inside.

I have bought the Paul McKenna's book, Instant Confidence, it comes with a CD to listen to, as well as exercises to help you feel more confident. There are a lot of exercises and a lot of things to do, and it does all seem like to much hard work, BUT, as Paul says, when you first got on a bicycle, did you just hop on and start riding straight away? No.. you had to practice and practice and practice.

Putting my self down and being negative to my self, is something I have done most of my life, I have had a lot of practice telling my self, I am not good enough, and then when I fail, I beat my self up and put my self down more. It is a vicious cycle, that I have to learn to break. I consider this behavior probably the single most limiting thing in my life, if I could remove my procrastinating, then I could excel and achieve.

In fact I know I WILL SUCCEED and I WILL EXCEL, (thanks Paul hehe)

If you find it hard to get on with things, get things done, I would be interested to hear what you think, on the flip side, if your one of these people that just get the job done, then I would also love to hear from you...

A list of things to do;

1. Do your filing
2. Finish those quotes for your project
3. Bill your clients for various projects (£800 +-)
4. Read some more books

I see the list and know I have to do it, but I zone out, switch off and a screen saver turns on in my mind...

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep....

A bit like the test pattern at night when tele wasnt on all night.

This never ending circle of thought that does not go anywhere, but take you around and around and around.

It is an addiction, an addiction to nothingness, to mediocre thoughts and lackluster potentials.

An addiction that may not kill me, but it may keep me from becoming the person I have always wanted to be.

Happy Easter Monday.